Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Negotiated Infidelity: Problem Solver or Problem Starter?

This is a real question folks. I came across this story about a month ago and it intrigued me.

Holly Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature's unerring spell on men's libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she's OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.

"I think that cheating men are normal," says Hill. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term."

The author also goes on to say, "It is more powerful for a woman to negotiate infidelity than to wonder why her spouse is coming home late."

I was taken abreast by this topic. I can see both sides of the argument. Problem solver because there are no secrets. One thing we hate in relationships is secrets. A lot of people in relationships feel there should be an unexplained, nonnegotiable openness. One thing you hear in cheating relationships is, "He made me look like a fool." Well you can eliminate this problem by knowing your husband is having relations with another woman. So there is a peace of mind??? Another thing to attribute to this negotiated infidelity is that it can keep the arguments and tension out of your marriage/relationship. Think about it. Let me throw you a scenario. If you have seen the movie Why Did I Get Married, Terry is in a relationship where his wife is pursuing a big career as an attorney and not spending little to any time with him. Terry is upset about the intimacy being gone in the relationship. She is frustrated at his beckoning for her time. Hypothetically, if she let him have a mate on the side, this could have lowered his expectations on her for some of these things. He wouldn't be complaining about sex or someone to spend time with from time to time. Another thing is that you can come back to the relationship when the time of you not having time is over. The wife won't be busy forever. Those are just some examples. I could go on but let me stop there.

Well, on to the problem starter. Negotiated infidelity can work, yes it can, if both parties are on board. If both parties aren't totally on board with the idea, it can create problems down the line. If the wife is kind of shaky about it, you can run into some arguments. If a wife, who agreed to the negotiated infidelity, wants her husband's time but he is with the other woman that can create a lot of problems. She can go off on him for not paying her the attention that he may have wanted from her. Going to my point earlier of the spouse being too busy, she won't be busy forever. She will want some her time too. Another thing that can cause problems too is if the man gets very attached/dependent on the other woman instead of his wife. What if he was inviting the other woman out to places with him instead of his wife? What if it became more than just about sex? Think about when the wife frees up her schedule and wants to cut off the negotiated infidelity. Can you really go back to monogamous relationship? I doubt it.

Thank you for taking a look into My Thoughts...