Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Commitments...GIVE THEM DEFINITION...

Commitment. I don't think everyone get what that is implying when we get into or are pursuing romantic relationships. Some take them too serious and some not serious enough. Every relationship will be different in the level of commitment. I think the problem with commitment in individual relationships is that it becomes to big of a blanket word that is never clearly defined. Commitment is defined in the dictionary as: interaction dominated by obligations. These obligations may be mutual, or self-imposed, or explicitly stated, or may not. I think too many relationships have been crippled by the use or lack of use in some of these relationships where commitment becomes a problem.
First off, let's use the obvious. Mutual. This has become a glaring problem with commitment because sometimes it's not mutual. One thinks this way about commitment and another thinks another about commitment. They both find it unimportant to make sure their views are mutual about commitment and BOOM problems happen. I'm not even talking about cheating. Some people feel you speaking to an opposite sex friend on the phone after a certain time may be violating that commitment because that time is supposed to be their time. I have seen relationships like that. One party has never been in a relationship like that and thinks it's stupid. The other thinks it's right. So once again, it doesn't always have to be cheating. It's just simply the fact you two haven't come to terms about the mutuality of this commitment to each other.
My last point brings me into my next. the confusion of commitment can come from the commitment being self-imposed. You make this rule for yourself thinking the other person will get the memo right along with you. That is not the way commitment works again. You are giving it definition but no definition with each other which can turn out to become very problematic. For example, I had a friend who believes when two people are talking, there should be no one else you should be talking to. LIES. Why can't I give myself options to explore the best choice? She expects a guy to feel the same way. That's poppycock. She has self-imposed this definition on herself. He has not. Or it could be vice versa.
The next thing is explicitly stating or not. DON'T LET ANY COMMITMENT YOU MAKE WITH A PERSON HAVE AMBIGUOUS GUIDELINES. TALK ABOUT IT. You never, ever, want to enter a commitment without talking about the issue. That is a road to problems. Say what your self-imposed terms are and make them mutual. We cannot expect the person to get on the same page as you without being very explicit about the commitment you embark on.
I just wanted to share this brief blog with you...thank you for taking a look into My Thoughts..

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Stay in the Friend Zone!!!

A romantic, monogamous, intimate relationship TYPICALLY is between two people. This is America so who knows nowadays. But let me get back. A relationship is between two people to nurture it. Two people to attempt to make something great out of their situation. Two people to at times agree and disagree. But sometimes these two people invite more people in the relationship than needed. I'm all for getting advice and I give it too. But I am not for the voice of your friend being much louder than yours in YOUR relationship. Sometimes it gets to the point as to where your mate knows that it was not you who came up with the statement that came out of your mouth! That look like, "Damn. They've been talking to such and such again." That is one of the most upsetting things that happens in damn near every one's relationship.
I have a couple of huge problems with the inviting of your friends into the relationship. Here is the 1st common problem: YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS!! I'm dead serious. You will get friends who will say that you need to do this or you should do that but take a moment to look at our friends relationships you've known about. I'm not saying they have to be in a relationship at that moment because they may have gotten cheated on, played, etc. But there are some of your friends you wouldn't even date because you know how they operate their relationship. Some of these friends have not had relationships past six months and the ones past that were probably not in the best of shape. So why get advice from this person? Because they know the symptoms of a bad relationship? No. They may know that much. But something that can be worked through or better approached they wouldn't know how to direct you in that direction. Sometimes your friend really can't relate to your problems. Deep down you know that too!!!
Another problem I have with too much friendly advice is that it's coming from too many damn friends!! This problem falls on the person in the relationship as well but sometimes too many damn friends are speaking on your situation. The fellas or the girls have a session to TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!! You get like 6 different opinions. Now the facts are all mixed up in your head on what to do and your approach is all off!! It's like a good stock. You want to invest in it bad but after getting so many different opinions, you get a little lost in how to go about dealing with the stock. The same can happen with your significant other. I remember telling a brother not to get engaged. He got like 10 who said yes and like 8 who said no It's the wrong time. I'm glad he didn't listen to me. He followed his heart and he and his girl figured out the engagement and they are very happy.
One last problem I have more but I'll cut it short here. Some of these friends tend to think they have become decision-makers in the relationship. They feel if you follow their advice that your relationship will always run smooth. They tend to make you feel bad for not listening. They gravely overstep their boundaries. They will be living vicariously through you. Look at the movie Deliver Us from Eva and see if I'm lying. Those sisters in that movie listened to every drop of advice from their sister Eva to the point these men felt that Eva made all the decisions to where she was emasculating them. There are relationships like this with just Friends!!!
Friends, we appreciate you but at times back up a little. You are stepping over certain boundaries that need to be abide by. This relationship is between me and the one that I am with. At the same time, those in a relationship: SHUT YOUR MOUTH SOMETIMES. You do not need to run to your friends every three minutes for relationship advice. There are times to can get it on your own...thank you for taking a look into My Thoughts...